by Brie Barker | Leadership Development
My leadership blog is all about helping current and emerging leaders learn how to transform difficult conversations and dysfunctional workplace relationships into positive and productive ones.
Dependable Evelyn’s Overdue Promotion
Recently, I was working with a client (we’ll call her Evelyn) who felt her career wasn’t advancing quickly enough because of her boss (we’ll call him Dmitri). The promise of a promotion he gave her 2 years ago has simply never moved beyond that and Evelyn has been feeling increasingly disheartened by this.
/
Evelyn is a people person, someone who’s always smiling, quick to laugh and says she works hard to go above and beyond for Dmitri and the rest of the team. For over 3 years, she said Dmitri has placed a degree of responsibility on her that sits about three levels above what her current job description is.
/
Evelyn says she’s been happy in stepping up and meeting the challenge and that Dmitri has always let her know how much he appreciates and values her work — praise that’s important to someone as socially, team and harmony-oriented as Evelyn is.
/
However, this has also been Evelyn’s Achilles’ heel in terms of her goal of getting her promotion.
/
Whenever Evelyn has brought up the subject with Dmitri, she says his response has been to good-naturedly side-step the issue, tell her once again how much he values her and her work, tell her not to worry it will come, say something to make her laugh (which is easy to do) and she leaves his office with nothing in hand but the status quo.
/
From Dmitri’s point of view, it’s easy to see why he hasn’t been that motivated to act on this. In Evelyn, he’s got a happy, highly competent employee that takes a good chunk of the load off his back and he doesn’t have to pay her what she could command elsewhere. I’m not defending Dmitri, but it seems, in his, eyes, that everything’s just fine as it is.
/
Given that it’s been 2 years of no motivation to act on Dmitri’s part, it’s up to Evelyn to awaken some in him if she’s to get what she wants. She needs to change how she communicates with him.
/
Through further descriptions of Dmitri from Evelyn, he’s also somewhat of a macho, confident know-it-all who tends to flex his dominance.
/
/
For Evelyn to get Dmitri to act, she needs to do several things:
/
-
Keep her objective of getting a firm commitment on the timetable for re-classifying her job front of mind when taking about it with Dmitri,
/
-
Firmly, but respectfully, not to let Dmitri off the hook and deflect the matter; use statements like, “Dmitri, I need you to really hear me on this.”
/
-
Be clear in expressing her dissatisfaction to Dmitri … without laughing.
/
Why this has been difficult for Evelyn to do is because it requires her to be vulnerable and run the risk that Dmitri may not like her or praise her as much; to face her fear of being socially rejected. This won’t be easy for her — necessary, but not easy.
/
She also needs to understand what motivates Dmitri and then leverage that in her discussions, i.e. what he will gain in getting her the promotion and/or what he could lose if she doesn’t get it.
/
/
Evelyn now realizes that developing her ability to adapt how she communicates — to a way that Dmitri will take notice and act — will require her to step out of her comfort zone.
/
In the process, she’ll be developing a deeper level of interpersonal skills that will serve her well as her career progresses.
/
So, whenever you think someone is getting in your way, take a pause and consider how you might be getting in your own way.
/
Have a productive and enjoyable day!
/
— Brie
Dependable Evelyn’s Overdue Promotion
Recently, I was working with a client (we’ll call her Evelyn) who felt her career wasn’t advancing quickly enough because of her boss (we’ll call him Dmitri). The promise of a promotion he gave her 2 years ago has simply never moved beyond that and Evelyn has been feeling increasingly disheartened by this.
/
Evelyn is a people person, someone who’s always smiling, quick to laugh and says she works hard to go above and beyond for Dmitri and the rest of the team. For over 3 years, she said Dmitri has placed a degree of responsibility on her that sits about three levels above what her current job description is.
/
Evelyn says she’s been happy in stepping up and meeting the challenge and that Dmitri has always let her know how much he appreciates and values her work — praise that’s important to someone as socially, team and harmony-oriented as Evelyn is.
/
However, this has also been Evelyn’s Achilles’ heel in terms of her goal of getting her promotion.
/
/
Whenever Evelyn has brought up the subject with Dmitri, she says his response has been to good-naturedly side-step the issue, tell her once again how much he values her and her work, tell her not to worry it will come, say something to make her laugh (which is easy to do) and she leaves his office with nothing in hand but the status quo.
/
From Dmitri’s point of view, it’s easy to see why he hasn’t been that motivated to act on this. In Evelyn, he’s got a happy, highly competent employee that takes a good chunk of the load off his back and he doesn’t have to pay her what she could command elsewhere. I’m not defending Dmitri, but it seems, in his, eyes, that everything’s just fine as it is.
/
Given that it’s been 2 years of no motivation to act on Dmitri’s part, it’s up to Evelyn to awaken some in him if she’s to get what she wants. She needs to change how she communicates with him.
/
Through further descriptions of Dmitri from Evelyn, he’s also somewhat of a macho, confident know-it-all who tends to flex his dominance.
/
/
For Evelyn to get Dmitri to act, she needs to do several things:
/
-
Keep her objective of getting a firm commitment on the timetable for re-classifying her job front of mind when taking about it with Dmitri,
/
-
Firmly, but respectfully, not to let Dmitri off the hook and deflect the matter; use statements like, “Dmitri, I need you to really hear me on this.”
/
-
Be clear in expressing her dissatisfaction to Dmitri … without laughing.
/
Why this has been difficult for Evelyn to do is because it requires her to be vulnerable and run the risk that Dmitri may not like her or praise her as much; to face her fear of being socially rejected. This won’t be easy for her — necessary, but not easy.
/
She also needs to understand what motivates Dmitri and then leverage that in her discussions, i.e. what he will gain in getting her the promotion and/or what he could lose if she doesn’t get it.
/
/
Evelyn now realizes that developing her ability to adapt how she communicates — to a way that Dmitri will take notice and act — will require her to step out of her comfort zone.
/
In the process, she’ll be developing a deeper level of interpersonal skills that will serve her well as her career progresses.
/
So, whenever you think someone is getting in your way, take a pause and consider how you might be getting in your own way.
/
Have a productive and enjoyable day!
/
— Brie
© 2018 Connected Conversations™
by Brie Barker | Leadership Development
All managers are human … and managers need to be able to reconcile their human values with their managerial responsibilities. Sometimes, that’s easier said than done.
Recently, I was helping a client — we’ll call him Jack — who is less than a year into his role as a senior manager of a department that he was new to. Jack has been having a really tough time figuring out how to deal with one of the staff members he inherited — we’ll call him Stan.
Stan is in his late 60s and has been in the department for forever and Jack told me that he’s one of the sweetest, nicest guys you’ll ever meet. However, Jack also said that Stan’s productivity level is only about 20%, that his memory runs hot and cold, that he often appears unkempt and that it’s become clear that the rest of the staff were always trying to cover for him. Stan didn’t even appear to be aware of these things.
So, Jack did some digging. What he found out was, prior to a couple of years ago, Stan was the go-to guy for his expertise and was highly productive — pretty much the department’s superstar. Jack wondered, what on earth had happened that created such a dramatic change in this man?
It turns out that Stan had been the victim of an assault that had left him with significant head injuries. Such a tragic story.
Now Jack was facing a dilemma. From a human standpoint, Jack felt a great deal of sympathy for Stan and didn’t want to make this poor guy’s life any harder. From a managerial perspective, Jack knew that, for the good of the department and the organization, the productivity issue had to be resolved. Jack said the problem would resolve itself if Stan just retired. However, Stan had made it clear that he had no intention of retiring. Having difficulty reconciling these two things, Jack recognized he was just avoiding Stan altogether.
Jack had fallen into a mindset that’s easy to fall into when facing a difficult dilemma — the “either/or” mindset.
The managers and leaders who cultivate the ability to see past this restrictive mindset are able to be more effective.
When it comes to workplace relationships, the best managers and leaders are able to adapt their communication style not only depending upon the individual they’re communicating with, but also from moment to moment whilst communicating with them.
For example, if Jack wants Stan to be more productive AND wants to support him and keep him in his position, Jack needs to do two things:
1. Be crystal clear and direct with Stan about his performance level: where it’s at, where it needs to be and why, and what will happen if things don’t change.
2. Then, once the above message is fully received, switch to more of an affiliative, coaching approach to get Stan’s productivity up as high as it can go, given the reality of his health situation.
That first step is not within Jack’s comfort zone, within his natural way of being; while the second step is — that’s why Jack’s been avoiding the situation.
What does Stan need to hear in order to get the message?
Remember, Stan used to be the expert, the go-to guy, so you can imagine how difficult it might be for him to swallow his pride and openly acknowledge that his performance level is unsatisfactory. So Jack can likely expect some resistance and needs to know what can help him get through to Stan.
Jack has to adapt how he communicates information based on how Stan processes information.
For example, Stan’s job is very technical and requires precise thinking and he tends to need data before he’s convinced of anything. Jack needs to be prepared to leverage this, to show Stan empirical evidence to prove his lack of performance and why it’s critical it improves.
Once Stan can admit to the reality of the situation, Jack can swing back into his comfort zone of supporting Stan and collaborate on an action plan to get Stan up to his maximum performance level.
What happens next?
Well, if Stan’s productivity level can rise to an acceptable level, then all will be good in the world.
However, if Stan’s current abilities just can’t meet the demands of the job, then Jack needs to honour the organization and take the appropriate steps to let Stan go … and that will be hard for Jack. But that’s leadership.
Have a productive and enjoyable day.
by Brie Barker | Leadership Development
Introducing Guest Blogger Judy Kiar:
Judy Kiar is an Ottawa therapist with over thirty years experience who, for the past fifteen years, has been serving individuals, couples and families through her private practice, Judy Kiar Counselling.
Judy’s guiding philosophy is so in step with mine that I only have to change two words of it to make it reflect my work specifically (my replacement words are in green):
“Life/Work is a complicated endeavour full of challenges as well as joys. It is a sign of good mental/professional health to recognize when things aren’t going well and to seek help to improve them.”
In her practice, Judy has seen the terribly destructive consequences that a dysfunctional workplace relationship can have on someone’s life. I hope you appreciate what she has to say; I know I do.
Have a good read and I wish you an enjoyable and productive day.
Brie
The Workplace Relationship Dance
by Judy Kiar
Relationships come with most workplaces. Most of the time we don’t get to choose whom we work with. We end up spending more waking hours with some colleagues than with our families and friends. Many times these relationships are governed by the hierarchical structure of the work place. Sometimes they are affected by competition for advancement. It’s inevitable that irritations or conflicts will arise from time to time. Because our work-lives are crucial to our financial and professional success, problems within them can feel life threatening. It’s important to minimize interpersonal conflict and learn to maintain healthy working relationships.
It seems to be human nature to want to blame the other person and wish they would be more like us. The truth though, is that you cannot change another person. You may be able to influence or encourage them, but ultimately, the only person you can change or control is you. Ironically, you are probably the most powerful tool you have in improving your relationships with other people.
Some of the best books written on building healthy interpersonal relationships, in my opinion, are Harriet Lerner’s Dance of Intimacy and Dance of Anger. Lerner conceptualizes relationship interactions as dances. We get into habits of acting and reacting in certain ways with each other. Some of these work well and some don’t. Often we get caught up in the dance and don’t really break it down to figure out all the steps that are making it turn out the way it is.
In the work place, we can become very aware of what other people are doing or not doing. If we are not happy with the way another person acts its easy to re-act in ways that show our disapproval, without actually communicating the problem to the other person. Shooting dagger-glances at a colleague, who has a habit of whistling while he works, just sets in motion a non-verbal communication, which might have no basis in reality. Whistler whistles, you glare, whistler assumes you don’t like him and glares back, this confirms your negative view of him and his of you. Before you know it you are no longer greeting each other in the hallways. You spend time and energy complaining about each other with coworkers and friends. The workplace has become toxic and our stress levels are through the roof!
The first step is to look at the dance as a whole and then break it down into its steps. Look at what you did and what the other person did. Think about how you felt along the way. What motivated you to act the way you did? Were you taking things personally that perhaps were not about you? Try to imagine what message you were sending with your actions. Ask yourself if you feel good about your part in the dance. Could you have been more direct, more empathetic, or more reasonable? Were there other things you could have done? Did other factors or feelings influence your behaviour?
The next step is to think about how you would prefer the interaction to go. You may feel overly responsible or overly criticized. What could you do to get that balance more in line with how you want to feel? What might happen if you look after your own feelings in the dance and change a few of your own, automatic steps?
Try not to take things personally. If there is something you can ask the other person to change, then ask in a polite, straightforward and respectful way. If you just don’t like them, try to cultivate an attitude of acceptance. Don’t make assumptions about them and don’t harbor grudges. Don’t waste energy dwelling on what you don’t like. Be on the look out for things that you do. You want to cultivate a live-and-let-live attitude wherever possible. The more you act in a positive, professional and friendly manner the more likely it is that you will be repaid in kind.
Sometimes, people are really resistive to change and will try really hard to get you to go back to an old familiar dance – even if it does not serve them well. If you hold firm and resist the urge to get back into those old steps, you are almost guaranteed to change the whole dance – one way or another. You have that power.
Get in the habit of looking at your own steps in all your relationships and see where you might like to try some new moves. Nobody gets a new dance right the first time. It’s going to take practice. Being good dance partners means being in-tune with each other and responding appropriately. Try to remember that perfecting the moves together is the only way to stop getting your toes stepped on when doing the workplace relationship dance.
You can reach Judy Kiar at ju**@******ar.com, 613-521-8800, www.judykiar.com.
by Brie Barker | Leadership Development
The saying that “people don’t quit their jobs, they quit their boss” holds a lot of truth. If you’ve had a such an experience, you’re not alone. Actually, I’m right there with you. However, there’s a deeper truth.
Back in my twenties, had I known then what I know now about how to manage difficult workplace relationships, I wouldn’t have made what you would call a significant CLM – career limiting move.
At the time, I was working in residential real estate in Toronto. Though I was a licensed agent, I was working as an assistant to a superstar. She was extremely successful. She’d been in the business for eons and was #1 in sales for the company, perhaps #1 in the whole city. I thought this was a great way for me to learn the ropes while receiving a more stable income base. It turned out to be a disaster in the making.
It didn’t take long until it became pretty obvious that we weren’t getting along. I thought she was cold, condescending and intent in keeping me in a box — I was feeling very micromanaged and my stress level was only climbing week-to-week. When I finally just couldn’t take it anymore, I quit. And I didn’t do it quietly. I was intent on shaming her publicly, letting the whole office know exactly what I thought of her and I why I was leaving. I left feeling victorious and vindicated.
A few years later, I had the idea of having a real estate company hire me to establish and run an in-house marketing department. One of the first companies I thought of pitching this to was the one I just told you about. After all, they were a top company, I knew their VP thought well of me and, as far as I was concerned, I knew that everything I had said about my former boss was true. So I set up a meeting with the VP.
Well, he loved my idea and thought that I was just the right person who could make it happen. I was feeling really good about myself in this moment. Then came the “but”.
He said that he couldn’t hire me because he couldn’t run the risk of offending my former boss, that, regardless what anyone thought of her, he couldn’t afford to lose his #1 agent. So, there it was — a bridge well burnt. A lesson well learned.
But all I learned at that time was the consequences of burning a bridge.
So here’s the deeper truth in the “people quit their boss” scenario …
… when someone’s communication style is in conflict with their boss’s communication style and neither party has sufficient emotional self-awareness, nor adequate enough communication skills, to bridge the differences, the resulting dysfunctional relationship can be so stressful that the person sees no other option but to quit the job.
It was easy for me to say the toxic relationship I had with my boss was her fault. I’ve no doubt that my boss thought that I was entirely to blame. In my departure, probably the both of us thought we won when, in fact, we both lost.
I know how horrible it is to feel caught in a toxic relationship with a boss. I now understand what it’s like for a boss to feel stuck in such a relationship with an employee.
What I focus on in Connected Conversations is teaching you how you can bring debilitating workplace relationships back from the brink of disaster and transform them into positive and productive ones; and have new relationships be on track from day one.
I’ll end this post with two thoughts for my former boss: “I’m sorry” and “thank you.”
Have an enjoyable and productive day.
Have you ever “quit your boss”? What’s your story?
by Brie Barker | Leadership Development
Remember the premise for this series of posts: the quicker you’re able to identify and adapt to someone’s communication style, the better you’ll be able to get that relationship off to a good start right out of the gate. This is also particularly relevant if the relationship, by its nature, is a brief and important one.
This week, I’m going to give you a high level look at the “C” dimension of the DISC model of behavioural styles, known as the Cautious style.
People who rank high in the “C” component exhibit more passive behaviour (as opposed to active) and are more task oriented (as opposed to people oriented).
General Attributes:
- Thinker
- Precise
- Systematic
- Analytical
- Conscientious
- High standards
Key Observable Characteristics:
- Verbal – talks about facts, doesn’t focus on feelings, more formal and focused
- Vocal – less variety in voice quality, little inflection, steady delivery, lower volume, slower rate of speech
- Visual – few facial expressions, few gestures, non-contact oriented, slower moving
Behaviour When Under Stress:
How to Communicate with Them Effectively:
Dos
- Provide accurate information
- Be practical and logical
- Be patient
- Show tact and diplomacy
- Give time for them to think
- Offer pros and cons
Don’ts
- Don’t refuse to explain the details
- Don’t answer questions vaguely or casually
- Don’t surprise them with new information
- Don’t ask for immediate decisions
Try putting these things into practice. Share your success stories by leaving comments!
Have an enjoyable and productive day.
