Coaching – Code Monkey and Manager Rob (Teaser)

by Brie Barker | Leadership Development

My leadership blog is all about helping current and emerging leaders learn how to transform difficult conversations and dysfunctional workplace relationships into positive and productive ones.

Brie Barker

Coaching – Code Monkey and Manager Rob (Teaser)

Coaching is certainly an essential leadership skill in today’s marketplace.

After you watch the video, below, leave a comment to share your thoughts on what you think we can learn from it in terms of transforming workplace relationships!

<What coaching would you offer Code Monkey?>

<What coaching would you offer Manager Rob?>

/

In a follow-up post, I’ll share my thoughts on this.

/

Have a productive and enjoyable day!

/

— Brie

Blog Post

Coaching – Code Monkey and Manager Rob (Teaser)

Coaching is certainly an essential leadership skill in today’s marketplace.

After you watch the video, below, leave a comment to share your thoughts on what you think we can learn from it in terms of transforming workplace relationships!

<What coaching would you offer Code Monkey?>

<What coaching would you offer Manager Rob?>

/

In a follow-up post, I’ll share my thoughts on this.

/

Have a productive and enjoyable day!

/

— Brie

© 2018 Connected Conversations™

NVC vs. The Perfect Storm

by Brie Barker | Leadership Development

My leadership blog is all about helping current and emerging leaders learn how to transform difficult conversations and dysfunctional workplace relationships into positive and productive ones.

Brie Barker

NVC vs. The Perfect Storm

The Facts:

This is the second week of summer holidays for my kids, Finley (8) and Clara (5).
They’ll continue to be at home during the day until they start their day camps next Monday.
My wife works at an office downtown.
I work out of my home office.

/

The Result:

/

Since I started work this morning, I’ve been sitting here at the computer, struggling to even come up with a topic for this week’s blog post. It’s just one of those days when I’m having a hard time focusing my thoughts and I’ve been getting more and more frustrated.

/

My kids have a neighbourhood friend over and they’ve been having a good time playing together (loudly). Surprise, surprise — this isn’t helping my concentration.

/

They then all found their way up to my office, my kids excited to show their friend their secret hide-out, which happens to double as my storage closet. Their fun is now smack in the domain of my writer’s block and the decibels have spiked/even further.

/

And I just yelled at them, “Okay, that’s it! Go outside and play!” And they have.

Once my adrenalin/cortisol surge receded, the topic for this post came trotting up to me on the back of a most curious creature …

/

Ah, once again, my children have proved to be my greatest teachers.

RESOURCE:

Have you ever shouted things out at work like:

“Just get back to work!”

“Don’t bother me right now!”

“Just get it done!”

“Keep it down out here!”

/

Outbursts like this never help anyone.

/

There are two things you can practice in situations at work when you’re starting to feel your frustration mounting and your blood boiling …

1. Emotional Intelligence

/

In particular, you need to be able to recognize your mounting frustration before you blow your top. Then take a breath and let the emotion evaporate as you exhale. You need to repeat this until you’re calm; then you’re ready for the next step.

RESOURCE:

RESOURCE:

2. Nonviolent Communication

/

Marshall Rosenberg developed the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) process in the 1960s.

/

Nonviolent Communication holds that most conflicts between individuals or groups arise from miscommunication about their human needs, due to coercive or manipulative language that aims to induce fear, guilt, shame, etc. These “violent” modes of communication, when used during a conflict, divert the attention of the participants away from clarifying their needs, their feelings, their perceptions, and their requests, thus perpetuating the conflict.” (Wikipedia)

RESOURCE:

The NVC Process Has 4 Components:

NVC

/

Here’s an example of what this might sound like:

/

Observe:

/

“When I’m in my office with my door closed and I can hear you all talking out here …

/

Feelings:

/

“I start feeling frustrated and angry.”

/

Needs:

/

“When I really need to focus and concentrate on something, I need things to be quiet in order to get it done well and get it done on schedule.”

/

Requests:

/

“When my door is closed, would you all help me out and keep your conversations at a low volume?”

/

This approach works really well to avoid the kind of unnecessary conflict and hurt feelings that, from an organizational point of view, can dramatically reduce productivity.

/

Cultivating your emotional awareness and proficiency in NVC takes time and practice — and the benefits to all involved are well worth it.

/

Have a productive and enjoyable day!

/

— Brie

Blog Post

NVC vs. The Perfect Storm

The Facts:

This is the second week of summer holidays for my kids, Finley (8) and Clara (5).
They’ll continue to be at home during the day until they start their day camps next Monday.
My wife works at an office downtown.
I work out of my home office.

/

The Result:

/

Since I started work this morning, I’ve been sitting here at the computer, struggling to even come up with a topic for this week’s blog post. It’s just one of those days when I’m having a hard time focusing my thoughts and I’ve been getting more and more frustrated.

/

My kids have a neighbourhood friend over and they’ve been having a good time playing together (loudly). Surprise, surprise — this isn’t helping my concentration.

/

They then all found their way up to my office, my kids excited to show their friend their secret hide-out, which happens to double as my storage closet. Their fun is now smack in the domain of my writer’s block and the decibels have spiked/even further.

/

And I just yelled at them, “Okay, that’s it! Go outside and play!” And they have.

/

Once my adrenalin/cortisol surge receded, the topic for this post came trotting up to me on the back of a most curious creature …

/

Ah, once again, my children have proved to be my greatest teachers.

/

RESOURCE:

Have you ever shouted things out at work like:

“Just get back to work!”

“Don’t bother me right now!”

“Just get it done!”

“Keep it down out here!”

/

Outbursts like this never help anyone.

/

There are two things you can practice in situations at work when you’re starting to feel your frustration mounting and your blood boiling …

1. Emotional Intelligence

/

In particular, you need to be able to recognize your mounting frustration before you blow your top. Then take a breath and let the emotion evaporate as you exhale. You need to repeat this until you’re calm; then you’re ready for the next step.

/

RESOURCES:

2. Nonviolent Communication

/

Marshall Rosenberg developed the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) process in the 1960s.

/

Nonviolent Communication holds that most conflicts between individuals or groups arise from miscommunication about their human needs, due to coercive or manipulative language that aims to induce fear, guilt, shame, etc. These “violent” modes of communication, when used during a conflict, divert the attention of the participants away from clarifying their needs, their feelings, their perceptions, and their requests, thus perpetuating the conflict.” (Wikipedia)

/

RESOURCE:

The NVC Process Has 4 Components:

NVC

/

Here’s an example of what this might sound like:

/

Observe:

/

“When I’m in my office with my door closed and I can hear you all talking out here …

/

Feelings:

/

“I start feeling frustrated and angry.”

/

Needs:

/

“When I really need to focus and concentrate on something, I need things to be quiet in order to get it done well and get it done on schedule.”

/

Requests:

/

“When my door is closed, would you all help me out and keep your conversations at a low volume?”

/

This approach works really well to avoid the kind of unnecessary conflict and hurt feelings that, from an organizational point of view, can dramatically reduce productivity.

/

Cultivating your emotional awareness and proficiency in NVC takes time and practice — and the benefits to all involved are well worth it.

/

Have a productive and enjoyable day!

/

— Brie

© 2018 Connected Conversations™

Dependable Evelyn’s Overdue Promotion

by Brie Barker | Leadership Development

My leadership blog is all about helping current and emerging leaders learn how to transform difficult conversations and dysfunctional workplace relationships into positive and productive ones.

Brie Barker

Dependable Evelyn’s Overdue Promotion

Recently, I was working with a client (we’ll call her Evelyn) who felt her career wasn’t advancing quickly enough because of her boss (we’ll call him Dmitri). The promise of a promotion he gave her 2 years ago has simply never moved beyond that and Evelyn has been feeling increasingly disheartened by this.

/

Evelyn is a people person, someone who’s always smiling, quick to laugh and says she works hard to go above and beyond for Dmitri and the rest of the team. For over 3 years, she said Dmitri has placed a degree of responsibility on her that sits about three levels above what her current job description is.

/

Evelyn says she’s been happy in stepping up and meeting the challenge and that Dmitri has always let her know how much he appreciates and values her work — praise that’s important to someone as socially, team and harmony-oriented as Evelyn is.

/

However, this has also been Evelyn’s Achilles’ heel in terms of her goal of getting her promotion.

/

Whenever Evelyn has brought up the subject with Dmitri, she says his response has been to good-naturedly side-step the issue, tell her once again how much he values her and her work, tell her not to worry it will come, say something to make her laugh (which is easy to do) and she leaves his office with nothing in hand but the status quo.

/

From Dmitri’s point of view, it’s easy to see why he hasn’t been that motivated to act on this. In Evelyn, he’s got a happy, highly competent employee that takes a good chunk of the load off his back and he doesn’t have to pay her what she could command elsewhere. I’m not defending Dmitri, but it seems, in his, eyes, that everything’s just fine as it is.

/

Given that it’s been 2 years of no motivation to act on Dmitri’s part, it’s up to Evelyn to awaken some in him if she’s to get what she wants. She needs to change how she communicates with him.

/

Through further descriptions of Dmitri from Evelyn, he’s also somewhat of a macho, confident know-it-all who tends to flex his dominance.

/

For Evelyn to get Dmitri to act, she needs to do several things:

/

Keep her objective of getting a firm commitment on the timetable for re-classifying her job front of mind when taking about it with Dmitri,

/

Firmly, but respectfully, not to let Dmitri off the hook and deflect the matter; use statements like, “Dmitri, I need you to really hear me on this.”

/

Be clear in expressing her dissatisfaction to Dmitri … without laughing.

/

Why this has been difficult for Evelyn to do is because it requires her to be vulnerable and run the risk that Dmitri may not like her or praise her as much; to face her fear of being socially rejected. This won’t be easy for her — necessary, but not easy.

/

She also needs to understand what motivates Dmitri and then leverage that in her discussions, i.e. what he will gain in getting her the promotion and/or what he could lose if she doesn’t get it.

/

Evelyn now realizes that developing her ability to adapt how she communicates — to a way that Dmitri will take notice and act — will require her to step out of her comfort zone.

/

In the process, she’ll be developing a deeper level of interpersonal skills that will serve her well as her career progresses.

/

**So, whenever you think someone is getting in your way, take a pause and consider how you might be getting in your own way.**

/

Have a productive and enjoyable day!

/

— Brie

Blog Post

Dependable Evelyn’s Overdue Promotion

Recently, I was working with a client (we’ll call her Evelyn) who felt her career wasn’t advancing quickly enough because of her boss (we’ll call him Dmitri). The promise of a promotion he gave her 2 years ago has simply never moved beyond that and Evelyn has been feeling increasingly disheartened by this.

/

Evelyn is a people person, someone who’s always smiling, quick to laugh and says she works hard to go above and beyond for Dmitri and the rest of the team. For over 3 years, she said Dmitri has placed a degree of responsibility on her that sits about three levels above what her current job description is.

/

Evelyn says she’s been happy in stepping up and meeting the challenge and that Dmitri has always let her know how much he appreciates and values her work — praise that’s important to someone as socially, team and harmony-oriented as Evelyn is.

/

However, this has also been Evelyn’s Achilles’ heel in terms of her goal of getting her promotion.

/

Whenever Evelyn has brought up the subject with Dmitri, she says his response has been to good-naturedly side-step the issue, tell her once again how much he values her and her work, tell her not to worry it will come, say something to make her laugh (which is easy to do) and she leaves his office with nothing in hand but the status quo.

/

From Dmitri’s point of view, it’s easy to see why he hasn’t been that motivated to act on this. In Evelyn, he’s got a happy, highly competent employee that takes a good chunk of the load off his back and he doesn’t have to pay her what she could command elsewhere. I’m not defending Dmitri, but it seems, in his, eyes, that everything’s just fine as it is.

/

Given that it’s been 2 years of no motivation to act on Dmitri’s part, it’s up to Evelyn to awaken some in him if she’s to get what she wants. She needs to change how she communicates with him.

/

Through further descriptions of Dmitri from Evelyn, he’s also somewhat of a macho, confident know-it-all who tends to flex his dominance.

/

For Evelyn to get Dmitri to act, she needs to do several things:

/

Keep her objective of getting a firm commitment on the timetable for re-classifying her job front of mind when taking about it with Dmitri,

/

Firmly, but respectfully, not to let Dmitri off the hook and deflect the matter; use statements like, “Dmitri, I need you to really hear me on this.”

/

Be clear in expressing her dissatisfaction to Dmitri … without laughing.

/

Why this has been difficult for Evelyn to do is because it requires her to be vulnerable and run the risk that Dmitri may not like her or praise her as much; to face her fear of being socially rejected. This won’t be easy for her — necessary, but not easy.

/

She also needs to understand what motivates Dmitri and then leverage that in her discussions, i.e. what he will gain in getting her the promotion and/or what he could lose if she doesn’t get it.

/

Evelyn now realizes that developing her ability to adapt how she communicates — to a way that Dmitri will take notice and act — will require her to step out of her comfort zone.

/

In the process, she’ll be developing a deeper level of interpersonal skills that will serve her well as her career progresses.

/

**So, whenever you think someone is getting in your way, take a pause and consider how you might be getting in your own way.**

/

Have a productive and enjoyable day!

/

— Brie

© 2018 Connected Conversations™

3 Steps to Retaining Top Talent When Denying a Promotion

by Brie Barker | Leadership Development

My leadership blog is all about helping current and emerging leaders learn how to transform difficult conversations and dysfunctional workplace relationships into positive and productive ones.

Brie Barker

3 Steps to Retaining Top Talent When Denying a Promotion

This past weekend, my son, Finley, went to try-out for his Little League club’s “A” team for summer baseball. There were about 30 kids at the try-outs and only the top 12 are chosen. The kids who don’t make the “A” team join a pool of about another 110 kids and they’re all divided into several, evenly balanced, “B” teams.

The head coach, Paul, is everything you want as a coach for your kid. He’s extremely passionate and knowledgeable about baseball, he stresses good sportsmanship and, while he coaches to win, he always sees his primary role as ensuring the kids are continually developing their skills and having fun.

/

At the end of the try-outs, while Paul got to make 12 kids very happy by telling them they made the team, he also had the unenvious task of telling 17 kids that they didn’t make the team — including my son, Finley.

/

Now here’s the thing … Finley is a very gifted athlete with hand-eye coordination and spacial skills that are well beyond his age.

/

For the record, this has been widely corroborated beyond his proud papa!

/

He also absolutely loves to play baseball.

/

But Finley is only 8-years old and this is his first year in the minor division, which means he’s playing with kids who are as old as 11. He’s also small for his age so the reality is that he just doesn’t have the size and strength that the older kids do, kids who also have a year or two more experience than him.

/

Coach Paul believes that Finley will likely become one of the club’s best players and wants him to stick around. The way in which he communicates to Finley that he didn’t make the “A” team is a key factor in whether or not he’ll want to.

/

If you’re one of your organization’s leaders or HR executives, this scenario resonates all too much. If you’re like your brethren that I speak with, you’d probably tell me that retaining top talent is definitely one of your biggest concerns and challenges.

/

All you need to do is replace my 8-year old Boston Red Sox hopeful with one of your organization’s rising stars who’s put in for a promotion and you and Coach Paul are in the same ballpark.

/

When you have to deny that person a promotion, be it because they need some further development and experience or that next rung of the ladder is just too crowded right now, you need to communicate this carefully if you don’t want them to pack up and seek greener pastures.

Here are the three steps to follow when you’re denying a promotion to a rising star that you want to ensure you keep on your team …

/

#1 — Pre-conversation

/

⇒ Remind yourself that they’re likely to be highly disappointed; they were seeking the promotion as a vehicle to obtain things that are important to them.

/

⇒ Choose a private setting where the person will feel free to express themselves, i.e. without being seen or overheard by others.

/

⇒ Schedule the meeting as soon as possible, as they are likely anxious to know the outcome. Early in the week is best.

/

⇒ Don’t schedule the meeting close to the weekend, a special event of the person’s or just prior to their vacation. A Monday or Tuesday would be ideal. The importance of this relates to Step 3.

/

#2 — During the Conversation

/

Talk about the present situation:

/

⇒ Get to the point right away and, with empathy, tell them,

“Not all of the conditions were right at this time for us to be able to give you the promotion.”

This is saying it’s the conditions that weren’t right, not that there was something wrong with them. This lands very differently from the standard “You’re not getting the promotion.”

/

⇒ Say something like,

“It’s important to me that you know what I mean by that, [NAME], because I really appreciate everything you contribute to around here. Can I share with you what shaped the decision?”

This feels respectful and starts to shift the tone right away by reinforcing that they’re valued. Ensure you answer all their questions.

/

Talk about the future:

/

⇒ Revisit and reaffirm what their goals and aspirations are within your organization, along with understanding what motivates them.

/

⇒ Be consultative in talking about what they think their strengths are and what they could improve upon in terms of advancing to that next step in their career at your organization. Use open-ended questions like,

“What things do you think you could bolster to putting yourself in an even more favourable position for a promotion?”

/

⇒ Say,

“I’d really like to help you achieve your goal of moving up to the next level here, [NAME]. How would you feel about us working together on a specific action plan towards making that happen?”

This lets them know you envision them progressing in the company and the question empowers them to step into that and commit to focusing on the future.

/

⇒ Set the stage for the next step:

“Let’s set a time to get together at the end of the week to start crafting your development plan. Over the next few days, let’s both make sure we take some time to brainstorm some initial ideas on what things you could do on your own and what specific development opportunities we could create for you. How does that sound, [NAME]?”

This reaffirms you’re both making a commitment to this. This also gets them to focus on their future in your organization right away and scheduling the first action plan meeting before the end of that first week has them going into the weekend with concrete proof that you truly do believe in their future career goals.

/

#3 — Post-Conversation

/

⇒ Be sure you keep your commitments to them in being active in their development.

/

⇒ Ensure you schedule regular check-ins to see how things are progressing and if either of you think their action plan needs any adjustments along the way.

/

In today’s marketplace, you just can’t afford to lose your top talent.

/

Following the specifics in the above 3 steps will do a lot to ensure you retain your rising stars in the wake of denying them a promotion.

/

I’ll end with a tip-of-the-cap to Coach Paul … his good communication skills have resulted in him securing a deep farm team for the club’s future success — and Finley is an enthusiastic part of it.

/

Play ball!

/

Have a productive and enjoyable day!

/

— Brie

Blog Post

3 Steps to Retaining Top Talent When Denying a Promotion

This past weekend, my son, Finley, went to try-out for his Little League club’s “A” team for summer baseball. There were about 30 kids at the try-outs and only the top 12 are chosen. The kids who don’t make the “A” team join a pool of about another 110 kids and they’re all divided into several, evenly balanced, “B” teams.

The head coach, Paul, is everything you want as a coach for your kid. He’s extremely passionate and knowledgeable about baseball, he stresses good sportsmanship and, while he coaches to win, he always sees his primary role as ensuring the kids are continually developing their skills and having fun.

/

At the end of the try-outs, while Paul got to make 12 kids very happy by telling them they made the team, he also had the unenvious task of telling 17 kids that they didn’t make the team — including my son, Finley.

/

Now here’s the thing … Finley is a very gifted athlete with hand-eye coordination and spacial skills that are well beyond his age.

/

For the record, this has been widely corroborated beyond his proud papa!

/

He also absolutely loves to play baseball.

/

But Finley is only 8-years old and this is his first year in the minor division, which means he’s playing with kids who are as old as 11. He’s also small for his age so the reality is that he just doesn’t have the size and strength that the older kids do, kids who also have a year or two more experience than him.

/

Coach Paul believes that Finley will likely become one of the club’s best players and wants him to stick around. The way in which he communicates to Finley that he didn’t make the “A” team is a key factor in whether or not he’ll want to.

/

If you’re one of your organization’s leaders or HR executives, this scenario resonates all too much. If you’re like your brethren that I speak with, you’d probably tell me that retaining top talent is definitely one of your biggest concerns and challenges.

/

All you need to do is replace my 8-year old Boston Red Sox hopeful with one of your organization’s rising stars who’s put in for a promotion and you and Coach Paul are in the same ballpark.

/

When you have to deny that person a promotion, be it because they need some further development and experience or that next rung of the ladder is just too crowded right now, you need to communicate this carefully if you don’t want them to pack up and seek greener pastures.

Here are the three steps to follow when you’re denying a promotion to a rising star that you want to ensure you keep on your team …

/

#1 — Pre-conversation

/⇒ Remind yourself that they’re likely to be highly disappointed; they were seeking the promotion as a vehicle to obtain things that are important to them.

/⇒ Choose a private setting where the person will feel free to express themselves, i.e. without being seen or overheard by others.

/⇒ Schedule the meeting as soon as possible, as they are likely anxious to know the outcome. Early in the week is best.

/⇒ Don’t schedule the meeting close to the weekend, a special event of the person’s or just prior to their vacation. A Monday or Tuesday would be ideal. The importance of this relates to Step 3.

/

#2 — During the Conversation

/

Talk about the present situation:

/

⇒ Get to the point right away and, with empathy, tell them,

“Not all of the conditions were right at this time for us to be able to give you the promotion.”

This is saying it’s the conditions that weren’t right, not that there was something wrong with them. This lands very differently from the standard “You’re not getting the promotion.”

/

/⇒ Say something like,

“It’s important to me that you know what I mean by that, [NAME], because I really appreciate everything you contribute to around here. Can I share with you what shaped the decision?”

This feels respectful and starts to shift the tone right away by reinforcing that they’re valued. Ensure you answer all their questions.

/

Talk about the future:

/

/⇒ Revisit and reaffirm what their goals and aspirations are within your organization, along with understanding what motivates them.

/

/⇒ Be consultative in talking about what they think their strengths are and what they could improve upon in terms of advancing to that next step in their career at your organization. Use open-ended questions like,

“What things do you think you could bolster to putting yourself in an even more favourable position for a promotion?”

/

/⇒ Say,

“I’d really like to help you achieve your goal of moving up to the next level here, [NAME]. How would you feel about us working together on a specific action plan towards making that happen?”

This lets them know you envision them progressing in the company and the question empowers them to step into that and commit to focusing on the future.

/

/⇒ Set the stage for the next step:

“Let’s set a time to get together at the end of the week to start crafting your development plan. Over the next few days, let’s both make sure we take some time to brainstorm some initial ideas on what things you could do on your own and what specific development opportunities we could create for you. How does that sound, [NAME]?”

This reaffirms you’re both making a commitment to this. This also gets them to focus on their future in your organization right away and scheduling the first action plan meeting before the end of that first week has them going into the weekend with concrete proof that you truly do believe in their future career goals.

/

#3 — Post-Conversation

/

/⇒ Be sure you keep your commitments to them in being active in their development.

/

/⇒ Ensure you schedule regular check-ins to see how things are progressing and if either of you think their action plan needs any adjustments along the way.

/

In today’s marketplace, you just can’t afford to lose your top talent.

/

Following the specifics in the above 3 steps will do a lot to ensure you retain your rising stars in the wake of denying them a promotion.

/

I’ll end with a tip-of-the-cap to Coach Paul … his good communication skills have resulted in him securing a deep farm team for the club’s future success — and Finley is an enthusiastic part of it.

/

Play ball!

/

Have a productive and enjoyable day!

/

— Brie

© 2018 Connected Conversations™

Setting for Difficult Conversations – When a Park is Ideal

by Brie Barker | Difficult Conversations, Leadership Development

My leadership blog is all about helping current and emerging leaders learn how to transform difficult conversations and dysfunctional workplace relationships into positive and productive ones.

Brie Barker

Setting for Difficult Conversations – When a Park is Ideal

Choosing an ideal setting for difficult conversations, be they with your boss, your colleague or your staff member, requires some serious thought.

/

When I’m helping clients learn how to turn difficult conversations into positive and productive ones, one question that usually comes up is this:

/

“Where should I have this conversation?”

/

My initial response is always the same … “It depends.”

/

So … when is taking a walk in a park a good choice?

/

Well, let’s take a look at exactly what this setting provides …

/

Neutrality:

/

A park provides neutral ground as there’s nothing present that reinforces any differences between you and the other person in terms of hierarchy, power or authority. Neither of you owns this turf, you’re sharing it.

/

Non-confinement:

/

There are no closed doors in this setting; being in a free and open park space takes away any feelings of being physically trapped in a place that one of you might want to escape from.

/

Privacy in Public:

/

This, too, speaks to creating a sense of safety.

/

⇒ You’re away from your workplace.

⇒ As opposed to a coffee shop, no one can overhear your conversation.

⇒ There are other people within visual proximity.

/

In short, it allows the two of you to be alone, without being alone.

/

Of course, unless you’re with a trusted friend, just be sure you don’t find yourselves on a dark, forest path together without another person in sight — that feeling of safety will quickly evaporate and be replaced by something akin to this:

/

Positive Biological Effects:

/

Just being in nature produces numerous biological effects that reduce the tensions surrounding difficult conversations. Of the countless sources that support this, the article How Does Nature Impact Our Wellbeing?, published by the University of Minnesota, provides a compelling and succinct synopsis, including noting how,

/

“Being in nature, or even viewing scenes of nature, reduces anger, fear, and stress and increases pleasant feelings.”

/

Flexible Engagement Intensity:

/

This setting allows the engagement intensity between the two of you to flow throughout the conversation. When either of you wants to increase the engagement intensity, one just has to stop and turn to the other, which invites them to stop, turn and be face to face with you.

/

Conversely, when either of you wants to decrease the engagement intensity, one can just start walking again and the other person will naturally follow.

/

The Upshot:

/

If you want to have a conversation that:

/

⇒ reduces the barriers that differences in power and authority can bring,

⇒ creates a feeling of physical and psychological safety,

⇒ allows either party to shift the intensity of engagement at any time,

/

then taking a walk in the park will make the difficult conversation you need to have with your boss/colleague/employee feel more like, well … a walk in the park!

/

Have a productive and enjoyable day!

/

— Brie

/

Blog Post

Setting for Difficult Conversations – When a Park is Ideal

Choosing an ideal setting for difficult conversations, be they with your boss, your colleague or your staff member, requires some serious thought.

/

When I’m helping clients learn how to turn difficult conversations into positive and productive ones, one question that usually comes up is this:

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“Where should I have this conversation?”

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My initial response is always the same … “It depends.”

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So … when is taking a walk in a park a good choice?

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Well, let’s take a look at exactly what this setting provides …

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Neutrality:

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A park provides neutral ground as there’s nothing present that reinforces any differences between you and the other person in terms of hierarchy, power or authority. Neither of you owns this turf, you’re sharing it.

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Non-confinement:

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There are no closed doors in this setting; being in a free and open park space takes away any feelings of being physically trapped in a place that one of you might want to escape from.

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Privacy in Public:

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This, too, speaks to creating a sense of safety.

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⇒ You’re away from your workplace.

⇒ As opposed to a coffee shop, no one can overhear your conversation.

⇒ There are other people within visual proximity.

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In short, it allows the two of you to be alone, without being alone.

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Of course, unless you’re with a trusted friend, just be sure you don’t find yourselves on a dark, forest path together without another person in sight — that feeling of safety will quickly evaporate and be replaced by something akin to this:

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Positive Biological Effects:

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Just being in nature produces numerous biological effects that reduce the tensions surrounding difficult conversations. Of the countless sources that support this, the article How Does Nature Impact Our Wellbeing?, published by the University of Minnesota, provides a compelling and succinct synopsis, including noting how,

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“Being in nature, or even viewing scenes of nature, reduces anger, fear, and stress and increases pleasant feelings.”

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Flexible Engagement Intensity:

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This setting allows the engagement intensity between the two of you to flow throughout the conversation. When either of you wants to increase the engagement intensity, one just has to stop and turn to the other, which invites them to stop, turn and be face to face with you.

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Conversely, when either of you wants to decrease the engagement intensity, one can just start walking again and the other person will naturally follow.

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The Upshot:

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If you want to have a conversation that:

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⇒ reduces the barriers that differences in power and authority can bring,

⇒ creates a feeling of physical and psychological safety,

⇒ allows either party to shift the intensity of engagement at any time,

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then taking a walk in the park will make the difficult conversation you need to have with your boss/colleague/employee feel more like, well … a walk in the park!

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Have a productive and enjoyable day!

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— Brie

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Phone Conversations — How to Connect at Work

by Brie Barker | Leadership Development

My leadership blog is all about helping current and emerging leaders learn how to transform difficult conversations and dysfunctional workplace relationships into positive and productive ones.

Brie Barker

Phone Conversations — How to Connect at Work

Back in the 1920s and ’30s, my grandmother worked for Bell Canada. One of her jobs was to go out to businesses and teach people how to use the newest equipment, such as this piece of cutting-edge technology:

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That’s right. The “dial” phone. While you couldn’t get any apps for it, people still thought this high-tech gadget was pretty cool … and, evidently, complicated.

Since that time, advances in telephone technology have gone far beyond anything my grandmother could have even dreamed of.

However, one fundamental thing has remained the same: the telephone allows people to talk to each other. (Yes, I said talk, not text.)

The quality of workplace relationships (non-work ones, too) is driven by feelings, i.e. the content of the information flowing between the people is actually not that important.

There’s a hierarchy of how feelings are most reliably communicated between people:

1. Visually

— body language, eye contact

2. Vocally

— tone, pitch, volume, rate

3. Linguistically

— words and how they’re combined

/

So, for those times when a face-to-face conversation or video-chat aren’t possible, pick up the phone! … and then do what? I’m glad you asked!

/

Below is a great infographic I came across, put out by The Gap Partnership. As you read along, you’ll see, beside it, where I’ve shared some of my own extended thoughts with you. The only change I’d make to the title is replacing the word Influencing with Connecting.

My additional thoughts in terms of creating and maintaining positive and productive workplace relationships:

5 Things to do pre-call:

Creating and maintaining a positive and productive workplace relationship should be part of your purpose in every call. Remind yourself of the feelings you’d like the other person to experience during the call: e.g. supported, encouraged, valued.
While preparation is important, it’s more important to be fully present in the conversation that emerges.

The secret of a relaxed voice:

It’s this element that first reminded me of my grandmother. When she was an operator with Bell Canada, all the operators had little mirrors in front of them so they would remember to smile. My grandmother actually received an award for being “The Girl with the Smile in her Voice.” Gotta love that!

The secret to convincing your listener:

Just change the word in this from “convincing” to “connecting”. The former can put you in a manipulative mindset instead of a relational mindset of mutual respect.

3 tips for using a call script successfully:

Though this pertains particularly to sales, it’s a good idea to prepare for difficult conversations by mapping out — in point form — what it is you need to say; practice it out loud; then throw away the script and let it come out authentically and naturally in the conversation.

3 tips to listening over the phone:

Remember, the other person isn’t receiving any visual cues that you are listening and engaged.

What your voice says about you:

Though it’s good to build your awareness and proficiency in this, don’t hyper-focus on it; if you force this, you run the risk of coming off as insincere.

Dress the part:

As someone who works at a home office, I’ve got to think this one through a bit! Does one truly need to wear pants whilst one is Skyping?

Establish a rapport:

Establishing a rapport is a constant. The question is this: are you establishing a good one or a poor one?
The quality of the relationship shifts with every moment of a conversation.

This post was a long one — thanks for staying on the line!

Have a productive and enjoyable day.

— Brie

Blog Post

Phone Conversations — How to Connect at Work

Back in the 1920s and ’30s, my grandmother worked for Bell Canada. One of her jobs was to go out to businesses and teach people how to use the newest equipment, such as this piece of cutting-edge technology:

That’s right. The “dial” phone. While you couldn’t get any apps for it, people still thought this high-tech gadget was pretty cool … and, evidently, complicated.

Since that time, advances in telephone technology have gone far beyond anything my grandmother could have even dreamed of.

However, one fundamental thing has remained the same: the telephone allows people to talk to each other. (Yes, I said talk, not text.)

The quality of workplace relationships (non-work ones, too) is driven by feelings, i.e. the content of the information flowing between the people is actually not that important.

There’s a hierarchy of how feelings are most reliably communicated between people:

1. Visually

— body language, eye contact

2. Vocally

— tone, pitch, volume, rate

3. Linguistically

— words and how they’re combined

/

So, for those times when a face-to-face conversation or video-chat aren’t possible, pick up the phone! … and then do what? I’m glad you asked!

/

Below is a great infographic I came across, put out by The Gap Partnership. As you read along, you’ll see, beside it, where I’ve shared some of my own extended thoughts with you. The only change I’d make to the title is replacing the word Influencing with Connecting.

/

Following the infographic, I’ve added some additional thoughts on it.

My additional thoughts in terms of creating and maintaining positive and productive workplace relationships:

5 Things to do pre-call:

Creating and maintaining a positive and productive workplace relationship should be part of your purpose in every call. Remind yourself of the feelings you’d like the other person to experience during the call: e.g. supported, encouraged, valued.
While preparation is important, it’s more important to be fully present in the conversation that emerges.

The secret of a relaxed voice:

It’s this element that first reminded me of my grandmother. When she was an operator with Bell Canada, all the operators had little mirrors in front of them so they would remember to smile. My grandmother actually received an award for being “The Girl with the Smile in her Voice.” Gotta love that!

The secret to convincing your listener:

Just change the word in this from “convincing” to “connecting”. The former can put you in a manipulative mindset instead of a relational mindset of mutual respect.

3 tips for using a call script successfully:

Though this pertains particularly to sales, it’s a good idea to prepare for difficult conversations by mapping out — in point form — what it is you need to say; practice it out loud; then throw away the script and let it come out authentically and naturally in the conversation.

3 tips to listening over the phone:

Remember, the other person isn’t receiving any visual cues that you are listening and engaged.

What your voice says about you:

Though it’s good to build your awareness and proficiency in this, don’t hyper-focus on it; if you force this, you run the risk of coming off as insincere.

Dress the part:

As someone who works at a home office, I’ve got to think this one through a bit! Does one truly need to wear pants whilst one is Skyping?

Establish a rapport:

Establishing a rapport is a constant. The question is this: are you establishing a good one or a poor one?
The quality of the relationship shifts with every moment of a conversation.

This post was a long one — thanks for staying on the line!

Have a productive and enjoyable day.

— Brie

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Coaching – Code Monkey and Manager Rob (Teaser)

My leadership blog is all about helping current and emerging leaders learn how to transform difficult conversations and dysfunctional workplace relationships into positive and productive ones.

Coaching – Code Monkey and Manager Rob (Teaser)

Coaching is certainly an essential leadership skill in today’s marketplace.

After you watch the video, below, leave a comment to share your thoughts on what you think we can learn from it in terms of transforming workplace relationships!

<What coaching would you offer Code Monkey?>

<What coaching would you offer Manager Rob?>

/

In a follow-up post, I’ll share my thoughts on this.

/

Have a productive and enjoyable day!

/

— Brie

Blog Post

Coaching – Code Monkey and Manager Rob (Teaser)

Coaching is certainly an essential leadership skill in today’s marketplace.

After you watch the video, below, leave a comment to share your thoughts on what you think we can learn from it in terms of transforming workplace relationships!

<What coaching would you offer Code Monkey?>

<What coaching would you offer Manager Rob?>

/

In a follow-up post, I’ll share my thoughts on this.

/

Have a productive and enjoyable day!

/

— Brie

© 2018 Connected Conversations™

NVC vs. The Perfect Storm

My leadership blog is all about helping current and emerging leaders learn how to transform difficult conversations and dysfunctional workplace relationships into positive and productive ones.

NVC vs. The Perfect Storm

The Facts:

This is the second week of summer holidays for my kids, Finley (8) and Clara (5).

They’ll continue to be at home during the day until they start their day camps next Monday.

My wife works at an office downtown.

I work out of my home office.

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The Result:

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Since I started work this morning, I’ve been sitting here at the computer, struggling to even come up with a topic for this week’s blog post. It’s just one of those days when I’m having a hard time focusing my thoughts and I’ve been getting more and more frustrated.

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My kids have a neighbourhood friend over and they’ve been having a good time playing together (loudly). Surprise, surprise — this isn’t helping my concentration.

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They then all found their way up to my office, my kids excited to show their friend their secret hide-out, which happens to double as my storage closet. Their fun is now smack in the domain of my writer’s block and the decibels have spiked/even further.

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And I just yelled at them, “Okay, that’s it! Go outside and play!” And they have.

Once my adrenalin/cortisol surge receded, the topic for this post came trotting up to me on the back of a most curious creature …

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Ah, once again, my children have proved to be my greatest teachers.

RESOURCE:

Have you ever shouted things out at work like:

“Just get back to work!”

“Don’t bother me right now!”

“Just get it done!”

“Keep it down out here!”

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Outbursts like this never help anyone.

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There are two things you can practice in situations at work when you’re starting to feel your frustration mounting and your blood boiling …

1. Emotional Intelligence

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In particular, you need to be able to recognize your mounting frustration before you blow your top. Then take a breath and let the emotion evaporate as you exhale. You need to repeat this until you’re calm; then you’re ready for the next step.

RESOURCE:

RESOURCE:

2. Nonviolent Communication

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Marshall Rosenberg developed the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) process in the 1960s.

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RESOURCE:

The NVC Process Has 4 Components:

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Here’s an example of what this might sound like:

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Observe:

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“When I’m in my office with my door closed and I can hear you all talking out here …

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Feelings:

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“I start feeling frustrated and angry.”

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