Learning from “Negative” Workplace Emotions

by Brie Barker | Leadership Development

My leadership blog is all about helping current and emerging leaders learn how to transform difficult conversations and dysfunctional workplace relationships into positive and productive ones.

Brie Barker

Learning from “Negative” Workplace Emotions

Typically, when people think of the benefits of a passionate workplace, they get a picture of them stemming from people who are brimming with smiles, positivity and energetic collaboration.

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However, you and your organization can also benefit from high intensity, “negative” workplace emotions — the “dark side” of passion.

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In his recent HBR article, How to Build a Passionate Company, Jim Whitehurst, CEO of Red Hat, talks about 5 ways to foster the kind of passion that fuels great performance.

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The first one on his list is the importance of letting people show their emotions at work. Jim says:

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“We often use the term “emotional” like it’s a bad word, especially when it comes to the workplace. But inspiration, enthusiasm, motivation, and excitement are emotions too. If you ask your people to check their emotions (both the good and the bad) at the door, you can’t tap into their passion.”

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I couldn’t agree more, Jim!

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Imagine one of your staff members has a real bee in their bonnet – they’re shouting, angry and defiant, being as loud and unyielding as a dog with a bone.

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Now, let’s be honest, no one likes to be yelled at (or bitten). When you’re on the receiving end of such tirades, it’s the fight or flight response that typically kicks in.

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However, it’s just this kind of situation that calls on you to bring your “A” game as a leader/manager and craft a more thoughtful, measured response.

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Today, however, I’m not going to get into how to react effectively in such situations.

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Instead, let’s consider what you can learn, in general, when someone on your staff feels compelled to express themselves this way.

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People don’t get passionate about things they don’t care about.

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And, with the kind of outburst we’re talking about here, they’re demonstrating they care about one of two things:

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⇒ the organization

⇒ themselves

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The Organization:

/

If they’re talking about the work, i.e. why something either has to be done or shouldn’t be done, they’re likely getting frustrated because they feel their viewpoint isn’t being heard, considered or understood. They believe so strongly on how the issue effects the organization that they’re willing to go to battle.

/

So, it’s important not to get triggered by the anger and defiance. If you remain calm and open, you can fully take in the content of what they’re saying. If you don’t, you could be letting the emotion that’s coming at you blind you to something that really is crucial to your organization’s well being.

/

Themselves:

/

If the person is talking about her/himself, it’s critical not to get triggered and just write off what they’re saying as griping. Whether the content of what they’re saying has merit or not, the first thing to remember here is that you likely have a staff member who isn’t happy and is feeling disengaged.

/

If you let your empathy be hijacked, you’ll never find out if their complaints have any merit and your staff member will continue to have a negative impact on the overall working climate and productivity.

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So, the next time one of your staff members exhibits the “dark side” of passion, commit to finding out what it is they’re trying to shine a light on.

/

Have an enjoyable and productive day!

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— Brie

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P.S. My thanks to Jennifer Cross, who shared Jim’s article with me via LinkedIn … with passion.

Blog Post

Learning from “Negative” Workplace Emotions

Typically, when people think of the benefits of a passionate workplace, they get a picture of them stemming from people who are brimming with smiles, positivity and energetic collaboration.

/

However, you and your organization can also benefit from high intensity, “negative” workplace emotions — the “dark side” of passion.

/

In his recent HBR article, How to Build a Passionate Company, Jim Whitehurst, CEO of Red Hat, talks about 5 ways to foster the kind of passion that fuels great performance.

/

The first one on his list is the importance of letting people show their emotions at work. Jim says:

/

“We often use the term “emotional” like it’s a bad word, especially when it comes to the workplace. But inspiration, enthusiasm, motivation, and excitement are emotions too. If you ask your people to check their emotions (both the good and the bad) at the door, you can’t tap into their passion.”

/

I couldn’t agree more, Jim!

/

Imagine one of your staff members has a real bee in their bonnet – they’re shouting, angry and defiant, being as loud and unyielding as a dog with a bone.

/

Now, let’s be honest, no one likes to be yelled at (or bitten). When you’re on the receiving end of such tirades, it’s the fight or flight response that typically kicks in.

/

However, it’s just this kind of situation that calls on you to bring your “A” game as a leader/manager and craft a more thoughtful, measured response.

/

Today, however, I’m not going to get into how to react effectively in such situations.

/

Instead, let’s consider what you can learn, in general, when someone on your staff feels compelled to express themselves this way.

/

People don’t get passionate about things they don’t care about.

/

And, with the kind of outburst we’re talking about here, they’re demonstrating they care about one of two things:

/

⇒ the organization

⇒ themselves

/

The Organization:

/

If they’re talking about the work, i.e. why something either has to be done or shouldn’t be done, they’re likely getting frustrated because they feel their viewpoint isn’t being heard, considered or understood. They believe so strongly on how the issue effects the organization that they’re willing to go to battle.

/

So, it’s important not to get triggered by the anger and defiance. If you remain calm and open, you can fully take in the content of what they’re saying. If you don’t, you could be letting the emotion that’s coming at you blind you to something that really is crucial to your organization’s well being.

/

Themselves:

/

If the person is talking about her/himself, it’s critical not to get triggered and just write off what they’re saying as griping. Whether the content of what they’re saying has merit or not, the first thing to remember here is that you likely have a staff member who isn’t happy and is feeling disengaged.

/

If you let your empathy be hijacked, you’ll never find out if their complaints have any merit and your staff member will continue to have a negative impact on the overall working climate and productivity.

/

So, the next time one of your staff members exhibits the “dark side” of passion, commit to finding out what it is they’re trying to shine a light on.

/

Have an enjoyable and productive day!

/

— Brie

/

P.S. My thanks to Jennifer Cross, who shared Jim’s article with me via LinkedIn … with passion.

© 2018 Connected Conversations™

NVC vs. The Perfect Storm

by Brie Barker | Leadership Development

My leadership blog is all about helping current and emerging leaders learn how to transform difficult conversations and dysfunctional workplace relationships into positive and productive ones.

Brie Barker

NVC vs. The Perfect Storm

The Facts:

This is the second week of summer holidays for my kids, Finley (8) and Clara (5).
They’ll continue to be at home during the day until they start their day camps next Monday.
My wife works at an office downtown.
I work out of my home office.

/

The Result:

/

Since I started work this morning, I’ve been sitting here at the computer, struggling to even come up with a topic for this week’s blog post. It’s just one of those days when I’m having a hard time focusing my thoughts and I’ve been getting more and more frustrated.

/

My kids have a neighbourhood friend over and they’ve been having a good time playing together (loudly). Surprise, surprise — this isn’t helping my concentration.

/

They then all found their way up to my office, my kids excited to show their friend their secret hide-out, which happens to double as my storage closet. Their fun is now smack in the domain of my writer’s block and the decibels have spiked/even further.

/

And I just yelled at them, “Okay, that’s it! Go outside and play!” And they have.

Once my adrenalin/cortisol surge receded, the topic for this post came trotting up to me on the back of a most curious creature …

/

Ah, once again, my children have proved to be my greatest teachers.

RESOURCE:

Have you ever shouted things out at work like:

“Just get back to work!”

“Don’t bother me right now!”

“Just get it done!”

“Keep it down out here!”

/

Outbursts like this never help anyone.

/

There are two things you can practice in situations at work when you’re starting to feel your frustration mounting and your blood boiling …

1. Emotional Intelligence

/

In particular, you need to be able to recognize your mounting frustration before you blow your top. Then take a breath and let the emotion evaporate as you exhale. You need to repeat this until you’re calm; then you’re ready for the next step.

RESOURCE:

RESOURCE:

2. Nonviolent Communication

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Marshall Rosenberg developed the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) process in the 1960s.

/

Nonviolent Communication holds that most conflicts between individuals or groups arise from miscommunication about their human needs, due to coercive or manipulative language that aims to induce fear, guilt, shame, etc. These “violent” modes of communication, when used during a conflict, divert the attention of the participants away from clarifying their needs, their feelings, their perceptions, and their requests, thus perpetuating the conflict.” (Wikipedia)

RESOURCE:

The NVC Process Has 4 Components:

NVC

/

Here’s an example of what this might sound like:

/

Observe:

/

“When I’m in my office with my door closed and I can hear you all talking out here …

/

Feelings:

/

“I start feeling frustrated and angry.”

/

Needs:

/

“When I really need to focus and concentrate on something, I need things to be quiet in order to get it done well and get it done on schedule.”

/

Requests:

/

“When my door is closed, would you all help me out and keep your conversations at a low volume?”

/

This approach works really well to avoid the kind of unnecessary conflict and hurt feelings that, from an organizational point of view, can dramatically reduce productivity.

/

Cultivating your emotional awareness and proficiency in NVC takes time and practice — and the benefits to all involved are well worth it.

/

Have a productive and enjoyable day!

/

— Brie

Blog Post

NVC vs. The Perfect Storm

The Facts:

This is the second week of summer holidays for my kids, Finley (8) and Clara (5).
They’ll continue to be at home during the day until they start their day camps next Monday.
My wife works at an office downtown.
I work out of my home office.

/

The Result:

/

Since I started work this morning, I’ve been sitting here at the computer, struggling to even come up with a topic for this week’s blog post. It’s just one of those days when I’m having a hard time focusing my thoughts and I’ve been getting more and more frustrated.

/

My kids have a neighbourhood friend over and they’ve been having a good time playing together (loudly). Surprise, surprise — this isn’t helping my concentration.

/

They then all found their way up to my office, my kids excited to show their friend their secret hide-out, which happens to double as my storage closet. Their fun is now smack in the domain of my writer’s block and the decibels have spiked/even further.

/

And I just yelled at them, “Okay, that’s it! Go outside and play!” And they have.

/

Once my adrenalin/cortisol surge receded, the topic for this post came trotting up to me on the back of a most curious creature …

/

Ah, once again, my children have proved to be my greatest teachers.

/

RESOURCE:

Have you ever shouted things out at work like:

“Just get back to work!”

“Don’t bother me right now!”

“Just get it done!”

“Keep it down out here!”

/

Outbursts like this never help anyone.

/

There are two things you can practice in situations at work when you’re starting to feel your frustration mounting and your blood boiling …

1. Emotional Intelligence

/

In particular, you need to be able to recognize your mounting frustration before you blow your top. Then take a breath and let the emotion evaporate as you exhale. You need to repeat this until you’re calm; then you’re ready for the next step.

/

RESOURCES:

2. Nonviolent Communication

/

Marshall Rosenberg developed the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) process in the 1960s.

/

Nonviolent Communication holds that most conflicts between individuals or groups arise from miscommunication about their human needs, due to coercive or manipulative language that aims to induce fear, guilt, shame, etc. These “violent” modes of communication, when used during a conflict, divert the attention of the participants away from clarifying their needs, their feelings, their perceptions, and their requests, thus perpetuating the conflict.” (Wikipedia)

/

RESOURCE:

The NVC Process Has 4 Components:

NVC

/

Here’s an example of what this might sound like:

/

Observe:

/

“When I’m in my office with my door closed and I can hear you all talking out here …

/

Feelings:

/

“I start feeling frustrated and angry.”

/

Needs:

/

“When I really need to focus and concentrate on something, I need things to be quiet in order to get it done well and get it done on schedule.”

/

Requests:

/

“When my door is closed, would you all help me out and keep your conversations at a low volume?”

/

This approach works really well to avoid the kind of unnecessary conflict and hurt feelings that, from an organizational point of view, can dramatically reduce productivity.

/

Cultivating your emotional awareness and proficiency in NVC takes time and practice — and the benefits to all involved are well worth it.

/

Have a productive and enjoyable day!

/

— Brie

Whose Good Ideas Aren’t You Hearing?

by Brie Barker | Leadership Development

As a leader, it serves you to consider where your own persona might be what’s preventing you from hearing the potentially valuable ideas of particular employees. Don’t miss the gems that aren’t expressed with the fanfare of a brass band.

Friends of my wife have a 2,000 acre farm up in New Lisgard, Ontario, about an 8-hour drive from either Toronto or Ottawa, where they raise beef cattle. Last summer, Jen and I decided it was about time we went for a visit, so we packed our rubber boots and told the kids they were going to see where hamburger really comes from.

Being a born-and-bred city boy, I learned a lot of things about life on a farm while I was there. For example, 2,000 acres covers a LOT of land and cows are really quite BIG — and how well Brad keeps track of the whereabouts, health and pregnancy status of all 300+ of them is nothing short of astounding. If Brad’s not there when a cow is giving birth, there’s a very real chance that the calf won’t survive. From a business perspective, the economic benefit that calf represented would be completely lost. The cow could die from the inattention, too.

If the farm you run is indoors, measured in square footage and has a human population versus bovine, then it’s the good ideas your herd is capable of producing that you can’t afford to miss. Beyond having to create an environment where new ideas can gestate (a great topic on its own), you have to be sure you can hear the moo of every employee who is trying to contribute.

As a leader, it serves you to consider where your own persona might be what’s preventing you from hearing the potentially valuable ideas of particular employees.

For example, last week I was working with a client — we’ll call him Jeff — who felt unheard by his boss. Jeff is keenly aware that he’s very shy and soft-spoken; he also holds the belief that decisions should be guided by facts. By great contrast, Jeff describes his boss as one who is always outgoing, loud, extremely confident and makes decisions based on his gut-feelings, without input from others.

When Jeff tries to give what he believes to be valuable input to his boss, his boss’s now-predictable response quickly leaves Jeff feeling overwhelmed, unheard and unvalued: he ends up retreating and shutting down.

Although I was working with Jeff to help him learn what he can do on his part to increase the likelihood of being fully heard by his boss, let’s consider the coaching tips for Jeff’s boss that could increase his capacity to hear Jeff fully.

Shift Your Mindset:

1. Become a servant leader.

“When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out

the best in ourselves.” — William Arthur Ward

2. The level of confidence and certainty with which one presents

an idea is not necessarily indicative of the merits of the idea.

Set the Stage:

Express to Jeff your desire to hear and consider his ideas and, acknowledging your tendency to dominate a discussion, give him permission to tell you if he’s starting to feel shut down.

Adapt your Communication Style:

Jeff needs to feel invited and safe to fully express himself:

⇒ Reduce the intensity of your vocal and physical expression to more closely mirror Jeff’s.

⇒ Leave enough silence so Jeff doesn’t feel rushed.

⇒ Encourage Jeff to say more by using verbal nods and showing curiosity with statements like, “Hmmm, tell me more.”

⇒ Ensure Jeff’s said his piece: “Is there anything else in this that you think is important for me to consider?”

⇒ Thank Jeff for sharing his thoughts and that you’ll give them further consideration.

⇒ Follow up with Jeff as to whether or not you implemented his suggestions and why. This doesn’t detract from your authority or send the message that you have to justify your decisions to Jeff, rather, it just demonstrates that you value his ideas. Even if one idea doesn’t prove to have merit, it doesn’t mean the next one won’t — and you want to be sure he feels invited to share it with you.

This is but one example showing what a leader can do to move past their own persona’s restrictions in order to receive the potentially valuable ideas a particular employee has to offer.

How’s your persona getting in the way and with whom?

As a leader, what can you change in your own behaviours to remove your barriers?

Lacking opposable thumbs, how likely is it that even a really smart cow could send a text message?

Have a productive and enjoyable day.

— Brie

Mr. Spock and Workplace Relationships

by Brie Barker | Leadership Development

Mr. Spock may seem like an odd source of wisdom regarding effective workplace relationships. After all, what could we possibly learn about such relationships between actual human beings from this logical, non-emotional, alien character from Star Trek? Well, quite a bit, actually.

I was certainly wistful at the death of actor Leonard Nimoy last week. I’ve always enjoyed the various incarnations of Star Trek. From the original series of the 1960s to as recently as the 2013 film, Star Trek: Into Darkness, Nimoy’s Mr. Spock just kept showing up, which was fine with me. He was such a great character.

The various Star Trek writers certainly used Mr. Spock as a vehicle for ruminating on what it means to be human, and I’m happy to share my thoughts with you on what I think we can glean from him regarding human relationships in the workplace.

To begin with, Capt. Kirk and Mr. Spock made a great leadership team. Spock’s logic and measured, unemotional reasoning was balanced by Kirk’s gut instinct and quick, decisive action. Today’s manager/leader needs to be able to access their inner Kirk and inner Spock, to adapt their behaviour according to the circumstance and what is required to move a particular crew member to take confident action. A productive workplace relationship comes from knowing how you need to communicate with that specific person in order for you to be understood, i.e. how you need to frame what it is you want them to understand in order for them to receive it fully, openly and without resistance.

One quote of Spock’s is, “Insults are effective only where emotion is present.” With humans, emotion is always present. Given that, it’s a fair parallel to draw that one has to be aware of what their emotional triggers are and be able to consciously move them aside so they can stay present to the other person and not let their emotion hijack the conversation.

I’d argue that Spock, himself, is emotionally intelligent in that he is aware of how his lack of emotion may effect others. Spock tells Kirk, “If I seem insensitive to what you’re going through, Captain, understand — it’s the way I am.” Being able to explain to co-workers how you tend to process information and communicate can go a long way in avoiding misunderstandings. Instead of being a sealed-off room that your colleagues don’t know how to get into, give them the key that allows them to open the door and communicate effectively with you.

There’s a lot more, I believe, but I’ll turn it over to you …